Sunday, January 30, 2011

Ups and Downs

Hello World,

Yesterday was my weigh in day, but I didn't get a chance to weigh in online with you guys. I weighed in ath the lower tenths of 148. I've reached my 5 pound milestone, however, I feel disappointed with myself because it could have been more had I stuck to my diet completely.

I had two breakdown moments last week; not necessarily the way I used to, but still sabotaging my success. Instead of snacking and knoshing on multiple foods, I stuck with one. I reached my full state and closed the box and put it away. The bad thing was dinner was maybe 2 hours later. I feel stressed out right now and I'm usually home alone for awhile in the evening hours because Josh will either have class and get home after 9 or will work overtime at his work and be home after 11. To keep myself out of the house, I'll work out.

In some instances though, my students will come to my room after school and just hang out. I don't think I should kick them out because I want to work out or whatever. My job comes first, and although some teachers say their jobs are done when the contract says and that't that, I just can't kick them out. I'll finally get home, but only do a P90X video and do some cardio at our gym in the amenities center in the neighborhood. I'm exhausted by 5:00 and I don't feel like putting my whole heart in it anymore. Hence, my little, but hey it's some, weight loss.

I'm trying really hard. I feel like I'm one of those kids on "I used to be Fat" where you watch them battling old habits. The difference is, they have a trainer who doubles as a psychologist/counselor and I have no one. It was bold of me to say that I wanted to do this alone because I want to empower myself, but the mind games and urges and just pure stress from this is so much handle at times that I crumble and lash out.

Today starts a new week of weight loss. I'm going to take it one day at a time and see how it goes. I'm going to get something small to eat for breakfast now and I'll check back in soon.

127 days left and 20 pounds to go! :)

Monday, January 24, 2011

If I'm not a Quitter, Why do I want to quit now?

Hello World,

I'm really frustrated right now. I worked so hard for the past two weeks and weighed in yesterday morning at 148 pounds. I felt so proud of myself so I decided that Josh and I should go out on a "date night" and celebrate and just spend time together. I thought I did pretty good at the restaurant, BoneFish, too. For dinner we ordered an ahi sushimi "thing" and it was sliced very thinly. I had 4 or 5 smal pieces. I got a salad, but I only ate half of it, not even I guess and then our entrees came out. I ordered steamed asparagus instead of the usual Garlic Whipped potatoes and I ordered the small order of grouper. I only had two pieces of bread and they were the pieces at the end. I guess when I write it all out like that, it looks like a lot of food, but what made me angry was the decision I made after dinner. We went to this new yogurt place by the Fresh Market off of San Jose and Julington Creek. It's called Wild Yo's, kind of the same concept as Mochi's at Town Centre. I made my own cup and of course put mini m&m's and mini chocolate chips in it. So now looking back, I ate a lot more than what I am used to for dinner last night and now I regret everything I ate, even though it was delicious.

What is so frustrating about this whole journey is how long and hard you've got to work out to even lose a pound, but it is so easy to gain it right back with one bad mistake as a meal. I did a bad thing and 1.) weighed myself at night and 2.) weighed myself knowing what I ate last night. It's a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I guess I was in the honeymoon stage, all excited about this journey and the "new" me. Now, I am irritated, tired- mentally and physically, and disappointed in myself. This is the time I would stop the diet and throw my hands in the air. I don't want to be that person anymore, I want to change. I just can't seem to stay motivated because of set backs like these. I know weighing myself tonight was stupid because obviously it's not going to reflect good numbers since I ate like crap last night.

Today I think I got back on track...? For breakfast I had a Special K protein shake= 5pts. For lunch I had peanut butter and jelly and a 100 calorie snack pack- chocolate covered pretzels. I used the light wheat Pepperidge Farm bread and for 2 slices it's 2 points. I used reduced fat Jif peanut butter and Welch's squeezable spread, which equaled 6 pts so the sandwhich in total equaled 8 pts. The Mr. Salty 100 calorie snack pack is 3 pts. My whole lunch was 11 pts, that's a lot. So by midday, my points were already at 16! For dinner I had the left over fish which was 4 points and 2 slices of Italian bread which was 4 points, so my dinner was 8 points, bringing the total up to 24 out of 29, but I also had a fat free light Publix yogurt during my grad class which is 3 points so I had a total of 27 points. Although, Weight Watchers gives me a lot points, 29 to be exact, I feel like I ate a lot of food between last night and today and I feel so fat!

I'm not looking or fishing for any of you to say anything, I just want someone to understand how hard this really is and how difficult it is to stay on track when you feel so icky! There is a light at the end of the tunnel, I know that, but am I going to be able to reach it in my time frame, if at all?


134 days left!

Friday, January 21, 2011

Glorious Ray of HOPE

Hello World,

Today was teacher planning day and I am so proud of myself for the choices I made for breakfast and for lunch.

So of course, this morning in the main office there was orange juice, coffee and DONUTS! I could smell it before I even saw it. They looked so good on the counter, in all the varieties (btw Krispy Kreme makes the chocolate cake donut again...unfortunately *sigh*) I wanted to eat one or five so bad, but...I reminded myself of how hard I'd worked the week prior to lose those three fabulous pounds. I signed in, shmoozed with the teachers and walked right back out empty handed :). I didn't even have half of one. I went to my classroom and had a fiber plus bar that held me until lunch.

At lunch time, my mom called me and asked if I wanted to join her and some of the other DuPont teachers at Hala Cafe. I was starving and it was a free meal so of course, I said yes! When I got there, I ordered water and the buffet. I only had one plate, which I am proud of and I didn't pile food on it. All I got was two tbs of Hummus, a half of a pita, three falafel patties and a spoonful of chicken, zucchini and squash. All of this totaled to eight points. I was satisfied and didn't go up for seconds. I went back to my classroom and continued to work.

After work, I went to the JCA for the first time this week and worked out. Although I am exhausted, I feel amazing. I cheated though and hopped on the scale before I got in the shower when I got home and the scale says that I am exactly where I left off after all of the temptations and urges I had this week to eat terrible snacks! I feel so relieved and my hope is restored! It is amazing to know that there is a light at the end of this looong tunnel and I am chugging along to get there.

Thank you guys for all of your fabulous encouragement...I dedicate the past two weeks of this journey to you guys. Cheers! (with water and lemon of course)

139 days left! And 22 pounds left to go!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Ugh...I hate Mother Nature and her monthly gift!

Hello World,

Well first off, my trip to South Florida was good! I balanced out the not so good choices with good choices and I did not gain even a pound! I didn't lose, but my goal was to not gain. :) Unfortunately, this week Mother Nature decided to grace me with her presence and I'm not too happy. I wasn't ready to encounter the hard choices and the lack of self-control I seem to have while on my girly time. All I want is comfort food, whether that be a dinner roll or five or a brownie, chocolate ice cream....ANYTHING!!! I have given in to impulses simply because if I don't I get very aggitated and frustrated. I haven't worked out this week, but I am going to work out tomorrow. My cramps have been pretty painful this week so the last thing I want to do is kill myself in the gym. I have decided to not officially weigh myself this Saturday simply because of my "period weight". Typically, I gain 2-4 pounds during the week and by the weekend I start to lose it. I figure I'll be where I started last Saturday at 149 pounds and I'll just get back on track and weigh in on the 29th.

I've been so tired this week, too, but I know that's because of what's going on with my body. I know I'll get back on track really by the weekend. I haven't been binging which is a nice change from last month. I haven't made brownies or anything, but I did make cornbread today. I made them in the mini muffin style so if I have two, it's filling. :) I don't know...I'm still learning, but hey, at least I'm being honest about it!

141 days left!!!

Saturday, January 15, 2011

The First weigh- in...drum roll please!

I should say, "Good Morning, World",

In about an hour, Josh and I are going to be leaving to head down to Boca for the weekend. Last night was teacher appreciation night (a senior on the varsity basketball team chooses a teacher that has impacted his life while at Mandarin High) and I was chosen by a student I had last year as a junior, but now he is my aide as a senior. I felt so proud and overwhelmed with emotion because it is just affirmation that yes, my students do listen to what I tell them outside of academics. "You know, if your back is up against the ropes....just look behind you because I'll always be in your corner," or "I am so irritated with your nonchalant attitude. I come here to teach you not only about English, but about life so you don't have to make some of the terrible mistakes that I have made or that I've seen...and this is how you treat me?" <- that one usually gets the Jewish guilt rolling and they will write and apology on their assignment, without me asking. :) Anyway, it was also daddy's birthday last night so I made a banner and had the announcer, also my department head, make an announcement during one of the quarter changes. Yeah, daddy was happy. :) We went out to eat after the game, to of all place, Chili's.

I'll be honest, I was nervous. I always eat too many chips dipped in salsa and stuff my face with their fabulous food! I was very good last night. It was closer to 10:00 pm last night before we got seated and settled at our table. We ordered drinks. I got water with lemon, if I got something to drink, I'd probably fall asleep at the table, haha. Out came the chips and salsa and then we ordered. I ordered the margarita chicken which usually comes with black beans and rice. I substituted it for broccoli. I also got a salad instead of fries. As we were waiting for the food, I paced myself with the chips. I think in total I had about 15. They are so thin and light now it felt like I was eating air and it was hard to keep the pace slow because I was STARVING! I only ate about 3/4 of my chicken breast because I was pretty full from the salad and broccoli (I chose to eat the veggies first) so I brought my leftovers for Josh to eat. :) Our server brought a brownie sundae looking thing for dessert and I only had 3 spoonfuls spaced out by a few minutes. I was so proud of myself because there it sat, melting and looking so yummy, while we were waiting for the checks. Once I reached the magic number 3, I stopped. It was so hard and I wanted to explode, but I did it!

I weighed in this morning. I plan to weigh in every Saturday and track my weight loss. Although I promised myself I wouldn't step on the scale until Saturday, I did cheat at that. It's really difficult to not weigh yourself every other day because watching the numbers go down is so exciting, but I know my weight will fluctuate. I started this journey last Saturday, January 8th and weighed 152 .2 pounds. I weigh now, a week later, 149.8 pounds. I'm very happy about that....technically it's closer to 150, but hey, it's still a 149. :) I mean almost 3 pounds in one week, that's awesome! Next week is when my "girly time" comes, so I'm not sure how much I'll lose then, I'm just hoping to maintain or maybe get lucky and lose at least 1 pound.

Thank you so much for your support. Your messages and posts are wonderful encouragement and I know "there's someone in my corner" :)

143 days left!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Is there such thing as "food withdrawal"

Hello World,

Today is day 5. Almost one week! Sorry I haven't been writing in the past few days. I've been so busy and just plain tired. This past week has been final exam week and it's been stressful because as you know there's a tremendous amount of pressure on teachers these days to produce data that shows the students as being proficient. I haven't bent much though through the stress as far as cheating. My students were playing Jeopardy and the winners and the runner-ups got extra credit points added back to their final exam grade and candy. Jeopardy started last Friday and went until yesterday. In this short amount of time, I ate maybe 2-3 peices of bite size candy such as Snickers or Twix. I was so proud of myself because in times of stress I could go through much more than that.

I feel scared at the moment because I have to break a routine. Usually when I'm exhausted or tired, I go right for the comfort foods: Chinese, pasta, pizza... I suppose all of the carbs. Now, I am becoming very conscious of NOT going after these things, but at the same time I feel extremely fatigued. I feel like I'm going through withdrawals from the normal foods that I eat! I have such urges sometimes that I have to distract myself by doing something else or think of something gross so it averts my want for the food.

I never realized how much I was eating until I really started paying attention and actually saying no. I am very nervous, however, because this weekend Josh and I are going to South Florida to visit with Jay and Demetrio. I'm so scared I'm going to eat so badly and drink. I already promised myself that I wasn't going to drink through this process, but I'm going to be with all of these boys. What happens if I revert back to these old ways and I ruin everything I have worked so hard for!? I know I shouldn't worry about it and when the time comes I will make the right decision, but what scares me is in the past, I didn't make those good decisions. I don't want to make those mistakes again. All the support is welcomed :)

Monday, January 10, 2011

Mondays should not exist!

Hello World,

Today marks day 3 of my weight loss journey and something pretty amazing happened today. I puton a pair of Editor's I got from Express and I didn't FEEL fat in them. These pants fit very nicely, but it was just an added plus that I put them on today. I wore a flattering button also from Express. I got a lot of compliments today. :) As you can remember, teens are the most critical...they will point out that my nails need to be done!

I feel very tired today also. I don't know if this is because I am trying to cut down on unnecessary sugars and carbs or because the weather; maybe both things.

I did very well today as far as eating. For breakfast I had a Special K protein shake (chocolate of course)= 5 points and for lunch I had a nice sized salad with 1/4 a cup of croutons with this fabulous dressing. My lunch= 4 points! The dressing is something my dad introduced to me to broaden my tastes outside of anything ending in vinagrette or ranch. If you go to Publix it is sold where you by the lettuce and refigerated dressings. It's called Cafe Geneva Sauce of Salade and they make one that's also a feta cheese dressing. Soooo good! There are no carbs and only 60 calories! For dinner I had a left over tilapia fillet lightly breaded in flour and kind of fried I guess. The fillet was about 4 points including the breading and sunflower oil and I had the left over asparagus from last night's dinner which equals no points. Go Veggies! As a snack during the day I had 15 reduced fat Wheat Thins with 1 tbsp of reduced fat Alouette cheese and herb spread. This equaled another 4 points. En total today I had about 17 points. I did not work out today because I had class, but I am going to tomorrow before the Mustang basketball game!

147 days left!

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Off to a good start

Hello World,

Today marks day 2 of this 150 day journey to weight loss and a better self. After reading all of the messages you all have been sending and the incredible advice that is being offered, I feel like I have a "support group", if you will, to help me through these long days. I am quite surprised actually at how many private responses I got that shared your individual stories and offered them as pieces of motivation. I thank you guys very much and I am flattered that you are joining/ watching me make this commitment to myself and you are there every step of the way.

Today I woke up and I looked in the mirror. For the first time, I smiled upon the thought of ,"Wow...I am actually going to do this!" I let Josh sleep in a little and I made my way to the gym. Before I left I ate a bowl of cereal (3/4 cup of Golden Grahams and 1/2 cup of skim milk = 4 points). I did 45 minutes of Cardio because my legs were very tired from yesterday and 45 minutes of weight lifting. When I left the gym, I felt tired, but good. I got home and resisted the urge to jump on the next weigh in will be a week from yesterday, so next Saturday. For lunch Josh and I both had turkey sandwiches. I ate an orange and he ate a salad with his. (2 slices of Pepperidge Farm Light wheat bread, Publix turkey breast, reduced fat provolone cheese, and an orange= 5 points). To satisfy my chocolate craving, I broke off half of a 2 inch x 2 inch brownie, so I guess I had a 2 inch x 1 inch piece. For one brownie it is 4 points, but I only ate half so I am tracking 2 points.

I must say it felt really good to be satisfied by so little chocolate. I will be very honest, I have a tendancy to binge on it. :( One fun sized piece of candy can easily turn into 6 or 7 in an hour. It's crazy!

For dinner I am making a reduced fat (lean ground beef- 98% fat free) hamburger patty...still deciding if I want to put 2% cheddar cheese on it, but absolutely no bun and baked asparagus. I usually drizzle a little bit of Extra Virgin olive oil and one tsp. of parmesan cheese, but if I want cheddar on my burger than I can't have parm on my asparagus. That's just a rule I made for myself...too much cheese in one day. :P

Today has been an overall good day. I don't feel frustrated or down on myself, only tired from working out two days back to back. I did this because I have class tomorrow night so I won't be working out until Tuesday.

148 days left!

Saturday, January 8, 2011

149 days to go!

Hello World,

When you look in the mirror, what do you see? Your reflection is the most obvious answer, however, when I look in the mirror, I see all of my flaws. I wish that my eyes were blue instead of dark brown. I wish that my gymnast body would turn into a dainty lady's body. I wish my face was more beautiful. Above all, I wish that I weighed 25 pounds less like I did 3 years ago.

3 years ago, my grandmother died and I went through a lot emotionally. I weighed in at about 130 pounds then. Since then, I have graduated from college with my Bachelor's, I have secured a job with the county being a high school English teacher, I got married, and now I am in graduate school. Since my wedding in February 2010, I have gained 22 pounds. I, embarassingly must say, weigh 152 pounds. I can no longer fit into my size 4 skirts without my stomach hanging out. I can no longer look and feel beautiful in my high waisted, pencil skirts anymore. I feel more comfortable in a sweatshirt with jeans than I do with a top and jeans; probably because I feel so self-conscious in jeans. I don't necessarily have a gut, but I think I have a little belly now.

This blog is going to help me change. I have tried to diet and exercise to lose weight for 9 months now with no success. Last February, I weighed 133 pounds because I has a wedding gown to fit into. In the last 9 months, I have gained this weight and I am giving myself 5 months to take it all back off. I have tried Weight Watchers, and just counting calories, but I will sabotage everything simply because I feel so terrible about myself. No, I am not depressed by any means, but my self-esteem needs a lot of work. I want to be able to look in my mirror 5 months from now and see what I used to see and feel what I used to feel.

I feel if I blog about it, then I am responsible for owning what I am doing. If I sneak a piece of chocolate, I must be honest here and admit that. I am also hoping for guidance, advice, inspiration, anything at this point on my journey. I cannot lie to the public and at the end of all of this I am hoping that I can look back at all of my posts and appreciate the hard work that I put in to make myself better. I am going to stay committed to myself because I am tired of feeling this way. When someone tells me I look beautiful, I want to believe it in my heart and actually agree with them. I am doing this on my own...without a bootcamp, without a trainer. I am empowering myself to be the writer of my own destiny.

Here's to day 1 of this journey.
Today for brunch I had the serving size for frosted mini wheats and I had a banana. I drink skim milk because of a lactose intolerance tendency, but I only put in about 1/3 of a cup in my cereal. This all equaled 5 points out of the 29 I am allotted for weight watchers.

I am about to go work out for 2 hours- 60 minutes for cardio and 60 minutes for weight training. I'll probably have a fat free light yogurt as a snack between this time and dinner which is 2 points.

For dinner I am goingto eat my leftovers from dinner last night at Mossfire Grill out in Five Points Square. It is half 3/4 of a chicken and spinach quesadilla. This is worth about 8 or 9 points because the cheese in it is not reduced fat.
I will probably be a little under my points for today, but I decided to sleep in and have brunch instead of breakfast and lunch as two separate meals.

I appreciate you following me on this journey and any advice or encouragement you can give, please don't hesitate!!!!!!

Only 149 days left :)